Does our family birth order have anything to do with ministry? What memories do you have of your siblings, if you had them? My younger brother told me recently that one of his most enduring childhood memories is chasing after me on his tricycle while I and my friends shot away from him on our bikes.
Many in ministry are oldest or only children. This can work well, to a degree. They know instinctively how to take charge and articulate a vision. Still, when the pattern becomes compulsive, it can be a problem. People who are more emotionally mature will have a wider repertoire.
Our birth order often affects our family experience – and our work experience. Family therapist Dr. Michael Kerr suggests that, for example, “a first born, all things being equal…is born into a different sets of needs and expectations of the system than a second born.” Of course, families vary, and all things are not always equal – sometimes a later born child ends up with the responsibility of an eldest.
Over time, as we work on it we can better manage the automatic responses we learn from our functioning position in the family. For me, this has to do with managing my overresponsibility, and being less bossy. I recognize that when my anxiety goes up, my irritability with the perceived underfunctioning (“irresponsibility!”) of others increases. I can now see it more clearly, and regulate it better, on a good day.
Dr. Robert Dibble, Minister to Adults at River Road Church (Baptist) in Richmond, Virginia, has noticed the dynamics that occur when associate staff are mostly firstborns or only children. “There can be a struggle for who’s in charge,” he says. “I’ve seen a lot of churches split over associates who have tried to usurp the person occupying the ‘L’ [leadership] position.”
Beth Norton, director of music at First Parish Church, Concord, MA, notes that in a high-functioning staff like theirs, the sibling dynamics are a bit less important on an ongoing basis. But, she says, at times of higher anxiety the patterns emerge more strongly: “It’s predictable who is going to be the caretaker, who are going to be the ones who underfunction when it gets really stressful, who are going to be the ones who try to take care of them and restore harmony, and who are going to go into a room and close the door.”
Here are some questions to consider:
• What is your sibling position in your family, and that of your parents?
• What do you notice about how you function in your ministry role based on your sibling position? What about your staff colleagues?
• Can you try it another way, lightening up if you’re an oldest, or getting more serious if you’re a youngest, just for a day?
Rev. Margaret Marcuson works with clergy who want to be better leaders and churches who want to develop their ministries. She is the author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009). She served as pastor of the First Baptist Church of Gardner, Massachusetts for thirteen years. Get the free mini-course, "Five Ways to Avoid Burnout in Ministry" at http://margaretmarcuson.com/.
Many in ministry are oldest or only children. This can work well, to a degree. They know instinctively how to take charge and articulate a vision. Still, when the pattern becomes compulsive, it can be a problem. People who are more emotionally mature will have a wider repertoire.
Our birth order often affects our family experience – and our work experience. Family therapist Dr. Michael Kerr suggests that, for example, “a first born, all things being equal…is born into a different sets of needs and expectations of the system than a second born.” Of course, families vary, and all things are not always equal – sometimes a later born child ends up with the responsibility of an eldest.
Over time, as we work on it we can better manage the automatic responses we learn from our functioning position in the family. For me, this has to do with managing my overresponsibility, and being less bossy. I recognize that when my anxiety goes up, my irritability with the perceived underfunctioning (“irresponsibility!”) of others increases. I can now see it more clearly, and regulate it better, on a good day.
Dr. Robert Dibble, Minister to Adults at River Road Church (Baptist) in Richmond, Virginia, has noticed the dynamics that occur when associate staff are mostly firstborns or only children. “There can be a struggle for who’s in charge,” he says. “I’ve seen a lot of churches split over associates who have tried to usurp the person occupying the ‘L’ [leadership] position.”
Beth Norton, director of music at First Parish Church, Concord, MA, notes that in a high-functioning staff like theirs, the sibling dynamics are a bit less important on an ongoing basis. But, she says, at times of higher anxiety the patterns emerge more strongly: “It’s predictable who is going to be the caretaker, who are going to be the ones who underfunction when it gets really stressful, who are going to be the ones who try to take care of them and restore harmony, and who are going to go into a room and close the door.”
Here are some questions to consider:
• What is your sibling position in your family, and that of your parents?
• What do you notice about how you function in your ministry role based on your sibling position? What about your staff colleagues?
• Can you try it another way, lightening up if you’re an oldest, or getting more serious if you’re a youngest, just for a day?
Rev. Margaret Marcuson works with clergy who want to be better leaders and churches who want to develop their ministries. She is the author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009). She served as pastor of the First Baptist Church of Gardner, Massachusetts for thirteen years. Get the free mini-course, "Five Ways to Avoid Burnout in Ministry" at http://margaretmarcuson.com/.
