I’ve had several “real” conversations the past few weeks in my professional and personal circles. I wouldn’t call them all pleasant little chats, but they were ultimately beneficial for me and others.

There’s still a problem, however.

Despite my best efforts at always being open and honest, conflict seems to pop up. It’s just part of life.

After much reading over the years about conflict management and difficult conversations, I have derived three simple steps that help me reconcile with my colleagues, friends and family. I hope you’ll benefit from them, too.

1.  Start in a safe place.

It’s no use trying to be open and frank when the other person’s hackles are up. If you’re trying to make a point, and I’m only thinking about my counterargument, we’ll never get anywhere. I know this firsthand.

You and I should instead begin by standing on common ground – even if it’s a small patch.

Where is that common ground? Chances are we both want to resolve the issue in the best interest of the company. Or maybe our personal relationship has gotten adversarial, and neither of us wants that.

If we can agree on a desired outcome, half the battle has been fought. They key is openly talking about our common goal before we get going on the other stuff.

This is how we step onto a safe platform together.

2.  State your case succinctly, then pass the ball.

As we venture from safety into choppy waters, you may be tempted to get everything off your chest at once.

But I believe testing the waters is more effective than diving in. Emphasizing my rightness too early in the conversation ruins any sense of shared purpose between us.

I must state my position in a few sentences, then listen intently to you. And then you do the same thing. This is how we can start to close the gap.

3.  Finally, risk intensifying the tension.

Only after you and I connect through safety and listening can we successfully address the cause of our disconnect.

Most people try to resolve an argument with a strong opening statement, then pretend to listen to their colleague’s refutation, and hopefully end up in a safe place after some wrangling.

But that’s backward. The way to address the sticking point between us is simple: talk about it in a real, honest way, without the adversarial stance we both had walking into the conversation.

Calmly analyzing the cause of our tension – without holding back what we believe to be true – usually leads to quicker, more complete resolution.

It may intensify our conflict for the moment, but if we took the first two steps, a frank discussion about our problem will almost always break through to reconciliation.

One more thing

I’ve found that it’s easier to cultivate relationships with my coworkers on a daily basis, so when we do have an argument, we’re already on safe ground with each other.

Real, honest talk is healthy – and natural – among friends.

And despite the pain of arguing, resolution and reconciliation always strengthen relationships.