Christians talk a lot about how to grow and improve our relationship with God and each other…but not as often about the things that poison them. There are certain things that we often do in relationships that are like carcinogens: poisonous actions, attitudes, and words that suck life, hope, and pleasure out of the ones we intend to love.

Just like health, relationships are complex: Many factors contribute to building or harming them. Below are some of the most toxic attitudes, words, and behavior that I have seen in working with couples over the years. Some are marriage-specific, but most speak to all kinds of relationships. So if you are dead set on ruining relationships—whether they be with your spouse, your boss, colleagues, family, or friends—here are ten exceptionally good strategies to help you dismantle them efficiently and effectively.

Relationship RUINATORS

1. Make it all about you. Whenever there is a decision to be made, insist that it be the way you want it to be. Sing this to the tune of “It’s all about me.” Resist the urge for fair play, and put yourself first each and every time.

2. Harbor resentments and project blame. Don’t let things go, and don’t talk about them. Make your friend or partner guess about what’s wrong. Give them the silent treatment when you are mad at them. When they ask, “What’s wrong,” respond, “You should know!” NEVER SAY YOU ARE SORRY; FIND SOME WAY TO PIN THE BLAME ON YOUR PARTNER.

3. Put everything else ahead of your relationships. You have work to do, a job to keep, food to put on the table; that always comes first. “Tasks before people” is your new mantra. Whatever is left over you can give to your relationships.

4. Confide your frustrations with your relationship to someone else. Poison one person against another…but disguise it as a “prayer request” first. If you want to do this right, build coalitions of people who will support “your side” against the one or ones out of your favor.

5. Confide to a member of the opposite sex. This is a brilliant strategy because while you get to undermine one relationship, you also get to develop an unhealthy attachment, possibly even a full-blown affair, in another relationship you can ruin later. Two for one!

6. Demean your friend or partner in public. Point out their flaws, bad habits, etc. Use public settings to strike fatal blows to their self-esteem. Humiliate them so that they feel the pain that you think they’ve caused you.

7. Use BIG GUNS. Whenever you become frustrated, pull out the big guns. Threaten to leave them, tell them you never loved them, demean their appearance or abilities. Bring up past failures they can’t deny and watch them squirm.

8. As often as possible, make comparisons. Tell them that they act just like your mother/father, especially if they know you have issues with your parents. But don’t stop there: Tell them how you wish they were like one of their friends or an esteemed leader. Cause them to think that you are more attracted to someone else if possible.

9. Start conversations with complaints. Use superlatives such as “never,” “always,” “all the time;” this helps to negate any good they have ever done, and will help them feel hopeless about ever trying to do things differently. If you have to include something positive, bury it deep in an avalanche of dissatisfaction.

10. Believe the worst and predict failure. Don’t believe that your family member or colleague CAN change, and don’t give them a chance. When you share a complaint, add on the tag, “…and I know you’ll never change.” Try to do this with a sarcastic tone of voice and roll your eyes when possible. Remind them that the best predictor of the future is the past; this is a great way to protect yourself from disappointment.

[Editor’s note: Just in case you weren’t sure, yes, this is satire.]

(c)2009 ChristianCoachingMag.com - Innovative Applications for Coaches & Leaders