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When is the time to speak up? I read with interest Tom Harper’s post on October 5, “Don’t Argue – Ever.” His comments on managing self are very well taken. Church leaders can be argumentative, and church conversations can be vicious. If you haven't read his article, be sure to do so.

At the same time I want to point out another side of the coin -- the tendency of many church leaders to be conflict-averse. Niceness may be one of the terminal faults of the church. And I don't think the word "nice" is a biblical word. "Kind" is biblical -- but being kind doesn't mean you never take a stand.

Many women were socialized to be nice above all. And in my observation, this tendency is not limited to women leaders in church. In a teleconference interview I did recently with Peter Steinke, author of Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, (Alban, 2006), he cited a study of Episcopal clergy which found that their preferred style in times of conflict was avoidance and accomodation.

The terminal niceness so often found in congregations leaves room for the harsh argumentation Tom Harper describes. There's a vacuum, and the most difficult people fill it. Those who are most aggressive and unregulated find no one to set a limit.

In my own experience as a pastor, I had to learn to deal with my own anxiety about conflict. To lead adequately, I had to be willing to speak up, in a calm, clear way, when it was necessary. You can't lead properly if you have to please everyone. Now, that's not an excuse for thoughtlessly alienating people. But when we are too anxious about whether someone, anyone, might get upset or leave the church, the ministry stagnates.

Here are some tips for when and how to speak up:

1. If you tend to hide what you think, practice saying it out loud when anxiety is low. It will be easier to speak up at more difficult times.

2. Say "I": "I think," "I believe." A mentor of mine, Larry Matthews, says, "That's just how I see it."

3. When you see someone violating a boundary - whether of time (persistently using up all the time), church structure (flouting appropriate decision-making processes), or physical space (crowding or threatening others), speak up.

4. If you find yourself regularly complaining about another person, it's time to speak up, at least in a private conversation with them (using #2 as a guideline).

Rev. Margaret J. Marcuson works with church leaders who want to learn an easier, more effective way to lead. The author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009), she can be reached at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com.