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Is anyone listening to what you say? It’s easy to ignore the emotional side of communication. Here are three questions to consider:

How far is someone from me emotionally?

Are they coming toward me, or moving away from me?

What is the current level of anxiety, in the group and in society at large?

Edwin Friedman taught that there are three elements of communication in any human system: distance, direction and anxiety. When we take these factors into account, we have a much better chance of being heard.

First is the question of emotional distance. This is a changing picture in family and church life.  For example, I once talked to a church leader who said he sat near the front of the church or way up in the balcony depending on how he felt about the pastor and the congregation.  In the balcony, he was more distant, and was less receptive to the week’s sermon.

Second, are they coming toward you or moving away from you? This can vary with the message you are trying to deliver. Mothers know this: if you say to your kids, “Clean your room,” they are not likely to be moving toward you. In fact, they may even say later, “I didn’t hear you say that.” But if you say, “Time for dessert!” they magically appear. They are motivated to hear that message. Most leaders spend an enormous amount of energy chasing after people with a message they are not motivated to listen to.

Third, what is the level of anxiety? In times of rapid change, anxiety is likely to be higher, and leaders will find it more challenging to communicate.  In times of financial uncertainty, the same will be true. One common example of this is going to the doctor, and having a hard time remembering the information given. Anxiety gets in the way of communication. Whether the message comes through preaching, in a staff meeting, or from a parental talking-to, in an anxious environment people find it harder to hear clearly.

What’s a leader to do? Here are some suggestions:

1.    Use “I” rather than “you.” Use every communication effort as an opportunity to define yourself: “I believe,” “I think,” “I stand here.” Limit the use of “you”—“You should,” “You must,” “You are.” When you take a stand for yourself, your give your followers room to hear and determine what their own views are and where they stand in relation to you. At anxious times, your own self-definition can help you and others stay calmer.

2.    Speak to those who are listening. Pay attention to those who are motivated to hear your message. It takes much less effort to communicate with them. As they come along, others who are more reluctant may follow.

3.    Don’t chase after people. When I read the gospels, I am struck by the way he always left room for people to walk away. His words were clear, and people could choose to listen and respond or not. Yet he still communicated: those words were remembered, written down and still have an impact centuries later. When we give people room and the freedom not to listen, we may find they will turn around and hear our message later.

Rev. Margaret J. Marcuson works with church leaders who want to learn an easier, more effective way to lead. The author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009), she can be reached at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com.