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Are you tired of listening to the complainers--or others telling you about who’s complaining? Church leaders have had to deal with complaints from the beginning.  (See II Corinthians for Paul’s experience—it’s nothing new.) Here are ten tips for dealing with complaints in ministry:

1.    Know that complaints are an issue in every area of ministry. The less personally you take complaints and criticism, the better off you will be emotionally and the more you will be effective in ministry. Sometimes you can’t avoid getting hooked -- but remember that your mother was right:  take a deep breath and count to ten before responding. Whether the criticism comes after the service, in a meeting or via e-mail, try to stay thoughtful and not reactive.

2.    Maintain some humility. Sometimes complaints are about an area where you or the ministry need to improve. Perhaps the women's retreat really didn't go that well, or the new children's program simply didn’t work. Take responsibility for your own growth, and look for areas that you need to develop. However, you don’t need to stay awake all night beating yourself up. A simple openness to your own need to develop as a leader will do.

3.    Avoid getting defensive. It takes energy, and it undermines your effectiveness as a leader.  Even if you feel defensive, do your best to be thoughtful about what is going on with the other person, with you, and in the congregation as a whole. Defensive leaders can rarely lead creatively and positively. While we can all get hooked emotionally by criticism, an important leadership skill is getting off that hook as quickly as possible.

4.    Apologize when necessary. It will go a long way toward defusing criticism. It’s easier to apologize calmly and sincerely when we are following #2 and #3 above: when we are appropriately humble and manage our own defensive feelings

5.    Expect criticism and complaints when you take a stand as a leader, or when the church begins to move in a clear direction. This is not about you; it is about the whole system reacting to an upset in the balance. Stay on course, and don’t let it throw you.  Coach other leaders to do the same. It boils down to this:  You can’t lead and get away with it. In other words, when you move forward, someone will react. When you are prepared for this, you are less likely to be caught off balance, and will be better able to respond neutrally to criticism.  The clearer you are about where you are going, the better.

6.    Notice that complaints may bubble up in areas that are not related to the direction you are moving. For example, if the leadership team makes a move to develop worship in a new way, problems may come up in the youth group or the building committee. This is normal. Churches, like other systems, resist change in a variety of ways. It’s worth assessing the hot spots in your particular church -- children and music are common areas. Can you guess where the challenges may arise? Observing the church system in this way will help you be more neutral and less vulnerable to potential criticism.

7.    Watch how people express their views about something they don’t like. Those who can define their position in terms of themselves are more mature than those who say “you should,” or “you shouldn’t” or “they always” or “they never.” This will give you a clue about who is more mature. It’s more important to have people who can say “I think,” “I believe” “I agree” or “I disagree” than it is to have people who agree with you. The potential for honest conversation about the church’s mission and direction is much greater.  Those who can define their own views on an issue are the best candidates for leadership positions themselves.

8.    Use care when expressing YOUR views about something you don’t like. Try not to react; think through your response first. As above, define your position in terms of yourself rather than others: “I” rather than “you” or “they.” Take responsibility for your own position.  Do this in every medium: when you speak to a group, in the newsletter, in meetings, private conversations and e-mails. Practice defining yourself to those you lead.

9.    Notice when the petty everyday stuff starts getting to you. Some days, it will wash off your back, and other times it will be like fingernails on a chalkboard. This is about you and your own emotional state, and finding some ways to get a little distance physically or emotionally will help. Pay attention to your own responses to others, and when you need to, spend some time doing whatever is most fun for you. When you can view those others as characters rather than as nemeses, you’ll know you’ve made progress.

10.    Remember that a complaint-free ministry is probably going nowhere. That much togetherness works against growth and development. Complaints are part of the price of progress. Don’t take it too seriously. When we are serious and defensive about complaints, we face more potential for things spiraling out of control. When we keep our eye on our own ministry goals while steadily working on the relationships with those we lead (including the complainers), the goals will be more within reach, and the relationships can be sustained over the long term.  (For further reading, see Ronald Richardson's Creating a Healthier Church.)

You don’t have to be worn down or worn out by complaints. The tips above take practice to implement, but working on your response to complaints can help you maintain your energy for ministry, and offer leadership within your congregation with more savvy and grace.

Rev. Margaret J. Marcuson works with church leaders who want to learn an easier, more effective way to lead. The author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009), she can be reached at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com.