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Are You Too Close to Those You Lead?
How close should you be to those you lead? Susy Welch, writing in O magazine, suggests that women sometimes err on the side of being either the “Ice Queen,” too distant from those they lead, or the “Good Mother,” too close. Welch says, “The remedy lies in striking the right intimacy balance—close enough to know your people, distant enough to lead them.”
Some women, of course, need to work on developing relationships with those they lead rather than hiding out or issuing orders. But I find that many of the church leaders I work with, especially women, want to create a kind, supportive workplace, and so they bend over backwards to accommodate those they lead. Many women were socialized to be nice, and it’s difficult to take a stand. Sometimes we want to be so helpful, we lose sight of the organization’s goals, and our own.
There is a time to be flexible and accommodating, to create a positive work environment, to support people through life challenges. But it is our responsibility to keep the bigger picture in mind, to make sure that we are all moving forward together. Sometimes we need to challenge staff (including volunteers) to improve their performance, to keep on track with the goals, to take steps to deal with personal problems which are interfering with performance.
When our natural style is to be helpful and caring, we can feel mean when we first challenge people. In a number of churches I’ve worked with, both clergy and lay leaders have found it hard to challenge staff. It may be useful to take some small steps, to practice setting some limits with staff members who are not functioning as they need to.
We don’t serve people’s best interests when we to allow them to function poorly. We do serve them by helping them grow and become the best employee or volunteer they can be. It is also in our best interests, because that serves the organization best.
How close do we need to be? Here are some tips for finding the right distance:
1) Keep your goals in mind as you relate to staff. You are first and foremost their leader, not their friend.
2) Be able to say both “no” and “yes” to requests from staff. Be sure both options are in your repertoire, and consider #1 (your goals).
3) Spend time with key staff regularly. While friendship is not the goal, developing relationships is essential to your leadership. Remembering both goals and relationships will help us as we supervise individuals and lead the entire group.
Some women, of course, need to work on developing relationships with those they lead rather than hiding out or issuing orders. But I find that many of the church leaders I work with, especially women, want to create a kind, supportive workplace, and so they bend over backwards to accommodate those they lead. Many women were socialized to be nice, and it’s difficult to take a stand. Sometimes we want to be so helpful, we lose sight of the organization’s goals, and our own.
There is a time to be flexible and accommodating, to create a positive work environment, to support people through life challenges. But it is our responsibility to keep the bigger picture in mind, to make sure that we are all moving forward together. Sometimes we need to challenge staff (including volunteers) to improve their performance, to keep on track with the goals, to take steps to deal with personal problems which are interfering with performance.
When our natural style is to be helpful and caring, we can feel mean when we first challenge people. In a number of churches I’ve worked with, both clergy and lay leaders have found it hard to challenge staff. It may be useful to take some small steps, to practice setting some limits with staff members who are not functioning as they need to.
We don’t serve people’s best interests when we to allow them to function poorly. We do serve them by helping them grow and become the best employee or volunteer they can be. It is also in our best interests, because that serves the organization best.
How close do we need to be? Here are some tips for finding the right distance:
1) Keep your goals in mind as you relate to staff. You are first and foremost their leader, not their friend.
2) Be able to say both “no” and “yes” to requests from staff. Be sure both options are in your repertoire, and consider #1 (your goals).
3) Spend time with key staff regularly. While friendship is not the goal, developing relationships is essential to your leadership. Remembering both goals and relationships will help us as we supervise individuals and lead the entire group.
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Margaret Marcuson
Rev. Margaret Marcuson works with churches that want to create a ministry that lasts and clergy who want more impact on the people they serve best. She is the author of Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009). She served as pastor of the First Baptist Church of Gardner, Massachusetts for thirteen years.
