Some groups I've attended disintegrated for one reason: unforgiveness. How can you keep forgiveness flowing in your small group? Here are some principles to practice.
1. Go to the offender.
Even seemingly trivial offenses can cause resentment to build, as with the time a woman in my Bible study related to others a small thing I had told her in confidence. In such a case, instead of telling others what the "offender" did to me, I am learning to follow the command of Mt. 18:15 : "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault."
2. Send others to their offender.
When someone says to me, "Let me tell you what Joe did," the first question I ask is, "Have you discussed this with him?" Just listening to that person's resentments can tempt me to start resenting Joe.
3. Handle offenses outside of meeting time.
Unless the matter concerns everyone, it needs to be handled privately before or after the meeting. If I get home and discover unforgiveness creeping in, I telephone the person and gently say something like, "I felt hurt when you ... " I also call when I sense someone has been hurt by what I've said-as when I've shown an ungracious, "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude. If handled properly, it usually only takes a minute to deal with an offense.
4. Be quick to say you're sorry.
If a person comes to me believing I've sinned against him, I'm learning not to defend myself, even if I'm misunderstood or feel I've done nothing wrong. This is especially important if the person is angry. An angry person doesn't want to understand me; he wants justice. Saying "I'm sorry if what I said hurt you; that wasn't my intention" can work wonders. When the person cools down, we can discuss the matter further, if necessary.
5. Stay humble.
When I have a "search me, O God" attitude and am determined to deal with my own faults, I'm not offended as easily. Remembering the mercy God has shown me, I have compassion when others fail to live up to godly standards. Staying humble involves embracing scriptural teachings such as "do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult" (1 Pet. 3:9 ), "consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3 ), and "let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 2:5 , KJV).
Dealing with offenses promptly and letting forgiveness flow keeps peace and harmony alive in our small groups and pleases the Lord.
Reprinted with permission from the adapted "Keep Forgiveness Flowing" by Elaine Creasman (Issue 111, M/J 1999). ©1999 Discipleship Journal. All rights reserved.
