Because the issue of relationships in reaching the unchurched is the most often mentioned issue in all of the unchurched studies we found, we were careful to establish its import in our study of more than 300 of the formerly unchurched. We found five major conclusions about relationships and the formerly unchurched.

Conclusion #1: Relationships are very important

Our study complements other studies that conclude that relationships are key to reaching the unchurched. Though our findings diverge in some of the specifics related to this issue, we nevertheless affirm the validity of the basic thesis. Melody N., for example, visited an Evangelical Free Church after a neighbor invited her. Her story is not unusual among the numerous interviews we conducted.

"Our kids play together in the neighborhood," Melody told us. "It was just a natural part of our conversation. I don't even remember how we got on the topic. The next thing I knew, she had invited me to church and I had agreed to come." Melody continued, "My husband wouldn't go, but he was okay with me going. Now that I'm a Christian I'm working on him."

We could recall hundreds of stories in which the formerly unchurched told us of the importance of relationships in their coming to Christ and to the church. But the issue of relationships is only a part of the story.

Conclusion #2: Rarely do relationships alone explain the best way to reach the unchurched

The story of Melody N. could leave one with the impression that her neighbor's invitation was the sole explanation for her visiting the church. But Melody told us that God was working in other ways as well. "If I had been invited to a church four years ago, I probably would not have accepted. But since I had a daughter, I felt a responsibility for her and me."

Church growth is complex. Reaching the unchurched cannot be accomplished by some quick-fix ministry or program. Myriad factors are at work. God is working through events, people, and life situations to bring people to himself. We in the church are to use our God-given wisdom to discern those issues. Such has been the focus of this project.

Conclusion #3: God sometimes works to reach the unchurched without using any relationships

No matter how we asked the question, at least one-fourth to one-half of the formerly unchurched indicated that they came to a church without any established relationships.

"I didn't know anybody," Mickey R. of West Virginia shared with us. He continued, "Three people from the church I ended up joining showed up at my house one evening. They told me how I could get saved. I accepted Christ that night, got baptized three weeks later, and I've been attending church ever since."

Martie is another person who gave us numerous reasons why she came to the church and became a Christian. She is representative of the nearly four in 10 formerly unchurched who insisted that a relationship was not a factor in leaving the ranks of the unchurched. "I can't explain my decision to try church other than I knew I wasn't living for God," Martie told us.

Martie's first foray into church was a mid-size Baptist congregation in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. "The minute I entered the sanctuary, I knew I was in God's presence," she exclaimed. Even though Martie has been a Christian less than a year, she has already begun to speak like a churched Christian: "The Holy Spirit convicted me the moment I heard the preaching. God's Word pierced my heart."

Martie continued her story: "The people at Davis Baptist Church are so friendly. I bet I was greeted by 10 people before I left church that day." And by Monday evening Martie had received a visit from three people from the church.

"Jodie was the one who told me about becoming a Christian," Martie reflected. "I wanted to accept Christ right then, but I was confused and felt pressured. She backed off, and the three people from the church left me on good terms."

Martie did not hear from anyone from the church for a few days. But on Saturday evening she received a telephone call. "It was Jodie." Martie shared with us. "She blew me away with what she said. She asked if 1 would go to church and Sunday school with her the next day. It seemed like the right thing to do. She even took me to lunch after church."

Martie offered a straightforward assessment of the preaching, which she was hearing for a second time: "That sermon was great. There were two things about it. He taught the Bible first, and second, he applied it to my life. I was hooked."

The pastor offered an evangelistic invitation, and Martie prayed to receive Christ during the service. A few weeks later she presented herself to the church for baptism and membership.

Martie listed for us the most important factors that led her to Christ and to the church: Holy Spirit conviction, direct evangelism, friendliness of the church, and preaching. Once again we heard from the formerly unchurched that preaching was a major factor in their decision-making process. And once again we heard two key words to describe the preaching: biblical and relevant.

Conclusion #4: Family relationships are the most important

Marion W. of Indianapolis was different than most of those we interviewed. She was a senior adult (70 years old) when she became a Christian. Rarely did we speak to a formerly unchurched person over 50 years old.

While many of the people described thus far named multiple factors that led them to Christ and to the church, Marion's explanation was simple: her niece invited her to an Easter presentation at a Presbyterian church. The gospel was presented, and she accepted Christ, joined the church, and is very active in the church two years later at age 72.

When we asked Marion what she liked about her church, Marion listed numerous factors. "The worship services are so exciting, the pastor is a great preacher, and the people are so friendly," she gushed. But when we asked her why she went to church in the first place, her answer was simple, "My niece invited me." Then she followed with a simple but profound question: "No one ever invited me to church before. Why is that?"

Even in Marion's straightforward answer, we have at least three possibilities to explain her pilgrimage to the church. First, someone invited her. A second reason for Marion's entry into church was the big event, the Easter drama/musical at the Presbyterian church. The "other factor" in Marion's case was the invitation by a relative. Would Marion have attended the Easter event if someone other than her niece had invited her? "I honestly can't say," she responded. "But I do know how much I love my niece, and that had to affect me."

Far more than any other person, the family member was influential in persuading an unchurched person to come to church. Just fewer than half of the respondents indicated the importance of this relationship.

If family members are indeed the most important relationships in reaching the unchurched, should churches not provide resources and strategies for reaching people through these relationships? Though the work of the research team provided me new insights personally, this issue was among the most profound. It indeed seemed to call for more research and greater intentionality in reaching the unchurched through family members.

Conclusion #5: The wife is the most important relationship in reaching the unchurched

We noted briefly, in an earlier article, the importance of wives reaching husbands. It is worth noting how important this relationship is. The responses to the question, "If a family member influenced you to come to church, which person was most influential?" provided many interesting insights.

Wives were most influential in reaching the unchurched. When we asked those who were influenced by a relationship to come to church who influenced them the most, more than one-third responded that it was their wives. The implications of this response are noteworthy.

Men seem to be more likely to be reached by relationships than women. Women were more likely to visit a church without an invitation from a friend, acquaintance, relative or coworker. Men, on the other hand, were more reluctant to go to a church where they knew no one.

The paradigm of effective youth and children's ministry seems to be changing. Ten years ago the paradigm of youth ministry was "reach the parents to reach the children." Today the paradigm is "reach the children to reach the parents." Almost one out of five of the formerly unchurched who were influenced by some relationship indicated that their children were the most important of these relationships.

Most churches indicated that their members included a significant number of churched wives who were married to unchurched husbands. The implication of this issue may be profound. We may have within our churches today a group that could be the most effective in reaching unchurched America.

One other issue related to unchurched family members is worth pursuing. In almost every case where we asked the question, we found that the unchurched family member attends church at least once a year. And when that person attends, he or she is profoundly impacted by "first" impressions. I use the word ‘first' loosely, because the person may have attended the church on previous occasions. But each new visit is like a first impression because of the time lapse between visits.

What do these unchurched family members (and other unchurched persons) see when they walk into the church? How do they perceive the people in the church? The music? The order of service? The facilities? All of these issues were important, the formerly unchurched told us. In the next articles we will examine how much they really do matter.